Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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