i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions