It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
