Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
