Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
