dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
