A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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