he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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