one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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