What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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