i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
