shes about as inviting as chlamydia
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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