The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
