You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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