I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
