I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
