y did u give ur computer a hand job?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
