Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
