hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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