OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
