this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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