The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
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i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
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My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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