were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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