hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
