Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
