I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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