i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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