she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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