Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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