I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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