Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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