While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
