got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
