Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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