Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
