Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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