I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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