My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
