you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
