if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
