i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
