woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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