So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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