Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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