I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
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Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
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Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed