Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party