My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize