Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.