I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
