I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
