It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
