Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
