The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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