I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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