Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
