his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
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