Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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