how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
even my farts smell like vagina
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
