DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
