I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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