why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
