Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
